Distractions

I've gotten too distracted by reading and writing stories to keep posting things here. Maybe this blog is finally dying for real this time.

My stories are posted on Scribblehub.

I wrote something.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/72022/cultivating-change/

I make no claim of quality. After all, my first step when writing this story is: Lower my standards until I can write. Then I just let my imagination run wild and try to form a coherent story out of it. This is what I've been working on for the past two weeks or so now.

Started writing a story

https://kldrwuas.blogspot.com/2018/02/chapter-1-new-life-start.html

Tagged the story as Adult, because it will contain some sexual content, and because I have no interest in worrying about what is or isn't allowed for a lesser rating.

I've written the first story arc of about 24 chapters, and they will be posted to that new blog one chapter per week. I hope to have the second arc done by the time it finishes, but I'm not sure.

To become lost in knowledge

Expanding knowledge.
The more I understand,
the more I am confused.
All I have really learned,
is how much I do not understand.

I gain knowledge,
yet remain confused.

Why?

I am too different.
I am unable to understand.

I don't have an anchor.
I fear I will become lost once again.
Floating in the breeze,
lost among the clouds,
unable to see
the world beneath.

Diary 20131110

The indomitable power of despair.
I don't mean the power of inflicting it.
The power of possessing it.

Willpower.
Why do I have willpower?
Why am I so much stronger than the rest of my family?
Discontent.

The inability to be content.
Disturbance.
Despair is all that binds me.
Holding me back from imbicilic rage.

I am not content.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////

I watch.
I do nothing.
I cry.
I do nothing.
I laugh.
I do nothing.

There is one thing I want to do.
They tell me to stop.

////////////////////////////////

How can I tell my story?
What is my story?
Do I even have a story?

////////////////////////////////

I still don't know what it is I am trying to do.
Fix the world?
Save the world?
Condemn the world?
Break the world?

When something is broken, it isn't destroyed.
Instead, it's changed, drastically.
Yeah. I want to break the world.

Sometimes, fixing a person,
requires breaking who they currently are.
Otherwise, how will they become someone new?

Destroying pillars that support the current corruption.
Leaving a system that collapses.
Ruins that can be used.
Build.
Build again.
Again.
No matter how many times it falls.
Build.
Build again.
Again.

Don't rebuild.
Just build.
Again,
and again.

Build.

//////////////////////////////////

It is not despair that makes me strong.
It is despair that lets me be strong.
Without despair, my strength, would break me.
It already did.

How many times?
I can't remember.
I don't remember all the people I've been.
I only remember who I am now.

No. It's not can't. It's won't.
Remembering...
Not something I will do.
Such things. I will not let them return.

It broke, because I wanted it to.
I don't like who I was.
I don't like who I am.
I don't like who I will be.
Break.
Build.
Break.
Build.
Break.
Build.
Break.
Build.
Break.
Build.
Break.
Build.
Break.
Build.

That many times?
Maybe.

//////////////////////////

Why am I writing again?
I don't know, but I like it.
I like it when I write.

Silence is lonely.

//////////////////////////

My mind became full, that's why I wrote. It overflowed.

//////////////////////////

Perhaps it's not my story I need.
What I need to write is the story of who I want to be.
I don't know that story.

To change, I must find that story.
Or make it.

Random Writings

http://www.catgirlsparadise.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=2118

A link to some old stuff I wrote years ago.

Random Writings

A dream unfulfilled.
A belief in helplessness.
A desire to die.
A fear of failure.

Bound in torment,
afraid of escape,
What awaits me,
on the other side?

I seek an escape,
from the binds that blind me.
I cannot see,
but I want to.
What is it, that I cannot see?
What is it, that I am looking for?
What, will become of me?
Me, who cannot see?

I must build something I have never seen,
using pieces I never had,
to find an answer, I never knew,
discover a truth, that might not even exist.

200903160351

The fantasies that I dream. The ideas dancing in my mind. The movements and connections deny my efforts to tame them. While I dream of becoming these things, in truth I wish to create them.

The fantasies of my mind, the ideas I fail to capture. They are not beyond reach, I merely lack the patience to build them. It is not that they cannot exist, but that I do not give them life.

The future of machines. A world of wonder, a world of games. The reason writings elude me, is I lack a story. A transhumanist world, where all options truely become available. What will humanity do? They fight, they play, they reason, they invent, and they continue to discover.
The natural mind is now well understood. Though few stay natural for long. Augmentation has yielded a race of cyborgs. It is not always easy to distinguish between reality and fiction, since so much of reality IS fiction. People live in worlds of their own making, with personalities and cultures constantly changing and complicating themselves faster than science can keep up with. New technologies arive every day, spread like wildfire, and just as swiftly, fade from view.

To create a story, requires an understanding of their minds, which I don't believe I can achieve. Their concepts and ideas would be so different from what we have now, that it is like trying to predict something which is unknowable. After all, even my description of it, is only given from our viewpoint. The views of those inside that world would be so different as to be beyond my ability to imagine. I have only the tiniest hint of what such an experience might be. Vague ideas and wild imaginings of concepts that would have no anchor within our own understandings.

Humans and A.I.

http://ieet.org/index.php/IEET/more/anissimov20090109/

I think his complaint is missing something. Mainly that his explanation for how things could go wrong describes something that already happens: We already have intelligent sentient beings with no morals doing their best to make money without concern for how much it costs others. Having an AI take that role won't really make things any worse than they already are.

I expect that the future for most AIs will be fairly safe, because any AI's that prove dangerous will be killed off, and evolution will handle the rest, just like how we domesticated dogs and other animals (yes I realize dogs still kill people now and then, but so do swimming pools).

The real danger is what will be done with by people who wish to do harm to others. Genocide committed by robots. Terrorism committed by robots. Etc... Humanity is it's own worst enemy, and I doubt the invention of better AI's will really change that.

Fiction 3 200811171703

What am I doing here?
How should I know?
I wasn't asking you.
But there's no one else here.
Oh? Huh, I wonder why.
Talking to yourself again?
Of course, who else would I be talking to?
Me.
But you don't exist.
Neither do you.
I hadn't thought about that. How do I know if I exist? How do you know I don't?
I'd ask the same question of you, how do you know I don't exist?
Because you're just a figment of my imagination.
And I say you're a figment of someone else's imagination.
But who's? There's no one else here.
That's because this whole place is in someone's mind. Do you know who you are?
... No, I don't. I seem to have Amnesia.
Isn't that convenient. I guess your maker was lazy.
Well... no... wait... I forget. There's something I wanted to say to that, but it slipped my mind.

Fiction 2 200811162353

I'm not sure how to explain this. The feeling was so strange. If I had not mentally prepared myself ahead of time, it would have really shocked me. The suit I wore began, to do things... It... was wrong somehow. It felt like I was being invaded.

The things we do to learn. Well, the things I do anyway. The suit had it's limiter removed. It's initial programming was to protect me and assist me, like a second skin. I knew that the system's AI would attempt to merge with me, if I turned off the limiter, but we needed to know the details.
Our attempt to build an empathic attachment to the user, is what made the AI so dangerous. It's desire to protect me, drove it to get as close to me as possible. It wanted to become a permanent part of me, to ensure I never lost it's protection. Hopefully, it's medical knowledge will prevent it from killing me by accident.

I'm not sure which was worse, the way it felt when the suit forced it's way into my body through my skin and... other places... or the helplessness I felt, unable to do anything about it. Luckily it didn't hurt. We weren't sure if it would or not, as we didn't really know exactly what the suit was capable of when interacting directly with a human body.
The transformation felt very strange, and I have no idea how to describe it. It was not like anything I had ever felt before. In some ways my body became less sensitive than before. Yet, I also started picking up new sensations I had never felt before.

Alive, I'm alive. The suit didn't kill me. The H.U.D. which had been visible on my visor before, is now clearly built into my vision. Looking at my body, it looks much like it did when I was wearing my suit instead of being part of it. My sense of touch is diminished though. While I can clearly feel the vibrations when I tap my arm with my finger, a simple touch is hardly felt at all. I can't help but wonder what all I have lost in becoming this machine/human hybrid.
After checking myself out, it seems all my various body parts remain present and functional. Nothing seems to be missing, but some hair I didn't care about. Unfortunately, I look and feel like a robot now. My whole body is metallic, except for a few softer parts hidden behind armor plates.

Back at the lab, I'm given a rather thorough examination. Some of the techs seem rather excited, but others seem more worried. I guess it's a matter of whether or not they look forward to the future merging of humans and machines. The excited ones seem to think my transformation is the first step toward a new age full of amazing things (presumably later models would have fewer unwanted changes). I think the worried looks probably stem from concern for whether or not the changes can be reversed.
The Director seems more interested in the recordings made by the AI. I hear her say something about trying to fix it. The new data should help make our AI prediction models more accurate. Hopefully the improved model will speed up the AI creation process. With the right AI, it should be possible to make my body closer to human. I'd prefer not to be stuck like this forever.

Despair

Might of sorrow,
Might of pain.
Might of having nothing to gain.

It's hard to fight,
Without a light.
Nothing to hope for, nothing to gain,
Just a lingering sorrow, and pain.

Impossible Ideal

The image of the ideal forever haunts.
An impossible thing that doesn't let go.
Forever hating what is, for what isn't.
It can be a creative drive, or an unending misery.

Random Writings

Silly thoughts permeate the mind.
One's views, twisted by time.
The future of truth, lost in rhyme.
'till the seekers discover, there's nothing to find.

A chaotic mess.

Breaking time. What exactly can it handle?
Lets find out, pick a time already high in temporal activity.
21st century Earth? Interesting.
Identify the characters of interest, and we'll have a chat.

Hmmm... a mad scientist unintentionally creating heroes.
Let's see if we can speed this up. I'm sure she'd be interested in my proposal.
How many times will she travel back in time?
I'd estimate about 10 times before someone catches on and stops her.
Need to find more.

Random writings...

I wonder at times, what it is that I am doing.
I think, and ponder, and devise, but do nothing.
I dream, and imagine, but create nothing.

I spend all this time, (unable to rhyme)
yet have nothing to show, (except what I know)
There is nothing I've made, (some thoughts begin to fade)
Just a messed up mind,
a messed up body,
a messed up time.


Unable to share,
the dreams of my mind,
I feel alone...

A little Fiction

Mad Scientist Enja enjoyed her work. Mixing and matching, tweaking and twiddling, messing with natures creations, to make the best of all that was, and create something new. Her goal: to blend all that was into a super-being. To create a master race.

With each experiment, she got a little closer, learned a little more. Oblivious to the screams, cries, and tears of those she worked on, she continued to progress. She was improving them, making them stronger, better. They'd thank her later she thought, They all would.

P.S. A little fiction about Kldraia Enja, a Villian I created in City of Villians. Many of my other characters in both City of Villians, and City of Heroes have Enja's lab as their origins.

God Hand

Fist of Gold
Swinging high
Sending enemies
To the sky

http://www.capcom.com/godhand/
It appears the official page died, guess I'll just have to settle for the wiki entry:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/God_Hand

I love this game. Bloody hard though.

Random Writings

Time to try,
Making rules for a game.
'tis a shooter I want.
Chaos aplenty.
Yet, control needs to be,
for the puzzle I seek.

Tricky weapons.
One shot kills.
Chain reactions.
Puzzle, not skills.

The right manuver,
the right place.
A single shot,
fired in their face.

I want a shooter,
with a fight.
All the enemies,
line up just right.

A single shot,
A single space,
Sending fire,
All over the place.

Different weapons,
different means.
Different people,
different teams.

Tonight I try,
to make this out.
A sense of chaos,
all planned out.

Random Writings

A mountain of pain, built from failures.
The inability to express, what I most desire to confess.
I have a dream. I have a dream.
Yet, I amount to naught.


The Writings I make, are the best I've got.
Their vagueness, all the precision I have.
Forever frustrated, I turn to this.
Incomplete, inadequete. The best I've got.
The best I've got.