I am not who I wanted to be. I am not any of the things I tried to become. No matter how much I make myself care, I cannot override the one desire, the one rule, that governs my behavior.
I can make myself care enough to suffer, but not to act. The only drive that I possess, is a desire to dream. My interest in reality extends only as far as it can inspire new ideas and dreams. I am unable to spend significant effort on anything that does not directly fuel my dreams. I spent my whole life trying to be someone who works hard, and earns their place in life. I spent my whole life failing. I finally understand why, and it leaves me right back where I started: Hopeless, useless, pointless. An existence without value. Even my care for others merely acts as a restraint, to prevent me from deliberately harming others. It cannot motivate me, except when action takes no effort, making it seem fake.
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