You are responsible for all that you do, all that you don't do, and the consequences thereof.

Monday, December 08, 2014

Why I don't feel loved.

It's really quite simple: My flaws are a deep part of who I am, and everyone wants to fix me.

I didn't really understand it when I was younger, but I do now: Everything people have all praised me for, exists because of everything people condemn me for. My flaws aren't just a part of the whole package. They are largely responsible for why I am who I am. I wouldn't be me without them.

My high perception? My ability to notice and remember details most don't? That's because I'm very sensitive to stimuli, and it's why I hate taking showers or baths and have crappy hygiene.

My high intelligence and knowledge? That's largely because I can't focus on anything I'm not interested in. I can't make myself do work, and when I try, my mind just wanders. So what I do manage to accomplish, is I end up thinking about, and contemplating everything that ever happens to me. Everything I see or read, or hear gets thought about over and over and over. I end up thinking about everything far more deeply than anyone I know. The whole reason I am smart, is just because I never stop thinking. It is also why I can't work. I can't set myself a goal and expect to accomplish it.

People will say they love me, and in the same breath wish that my flaws would be fixed. Which just sounds like all they really love is their idea of me. Some perfect construct that doesn't exist, and never will. What they want is my potential. Not my reality. They don't want me, just what they think I could be.


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